Awww Valentine's Day. The day every year when a woman's vagina goes up for auction in the relationship she is in. Back in the day, when I was a young man, I thought that it wasn't that big of a deal--I felt that whoever I was dating would understand that I cared for her and that was enough. I felt that if Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday, we could celebrate it on a Saturday given its a weekend. Back in the day, I felt logic would out rule emotion when it comes to relationships. Back in the day, I was a fucking imbecile!!!
Valentine's Day is similar to your high school prom. No matter what goes down on your high school prom, you'll end up fucking it up somehow. Same goes here. The expectations are too high, too far reaching to be obtained and thus you're doomed for failure. Show me a woman that is more excited for President's Day because its a 3 day weekend than Valentine's Day and I'm locking her down right then and there because she's got that rare psychological trait called logic.
And Valentine's Day couldn't come at a worse time for men. Its the Super Bowl of the dreaded "Black Season". If you're a seasoned veteran of relationships like I am, you know exactly what I'm talking about with regards to the Black Season: Thanksgiving, Xmas, NYE, MLK, Super Bowl Sunday, Valentine's Day. Its ~ 75 days total where a man CANNOT break up with a woman for there is just not a good time. Each and every year, when entering the Black Season I gave myself a hard psychological evaluation which consisted of one question, "Can you make it champ?" So if you somehow magically do last through all of that shit, how much do you really have left in the tank come Valentine's Day? You have a better chance getting through the SEC undefeated in football than making it through the Black Season unscathed.
My advice to everyone is to go outside your comfort zone this Saturday. Mix the shit up a bit and go outside the standard Hollywood-created Valentine's Day of flowers and ice. If you're a single woman, go out and find yourself some crazy hot ass and don't let the man just tip it, let him go balls deep. And if you're in a relationship, go ass to mouth. Mix the shit up a little bit. You never know, the man may actually look forward to next year's Black Season.
That's it. I'm out.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Monday, 8 December 2008
Rosemary Shell vs. Wayne Gibbs
When I first heard about the following story I came unglued. Rosemary Shell, some chick down in the South (where else?) sued her former fiance Wayne Gibbs for $150,000 when he bailed on their wedding 3 days before the wedding. He left her a note along with $5,000 saying it was off.
GUYS! ARE YOU READING THIS? If this is not proof that marriage is nothing more than a business deal nowadays I don't know what is. Her legal claim, "Breach of Promise." What? Are you serious? Is that right? Breach of Promise? I've never promised shit so I'm good, and marriage and anything affiliated through that route isn't for me either so I'm in the clear. But about 99% of you out there are destined for love, marriage, and ultimate financial disaster. And no matter how much I tell you, no matter how much I preach, you will still slit your own wrists. But I digress. Back to Shell vs. Gibbs...
...Shell claims that she left her high-paying job of $81,000 in Florida to be with Gibbs in Georgia making only $30,000.
Gibbs however argued that he had already given tons of coin, including paying mortgage payments, paying off 30 GURR of her debt, and a fat rock which he didn’t get back. He claims that he broke off the engagement after learning that she had even more debt than he had previously known about. She eventually filed for bankruptcy.
So many lessons from this shit, #1 would be:
1) Long distance relationships are the worst idea ever prior to this story, and now they are REALLY the worst idea ever. If they work out, ultimately one party has to go to the source of the income and now they have the upper hand on you.
2) Never ever pay off a chick's debts. The most powerful thing you can ever tell a woman is "No".
3) Remember that the rock you give is a gift and she legally does not have to return that rock once you propose (few know this)
4) If you do go through with it, get a prenupt!
GUYS! ARE YOU READING THIS? If this is not proof that marriage is nothing more than a business deal nowadays I don't know what is. Her legal claim, "Breach of Promise." What? Are you serious? Is that right? Breach of Promise? I've never promised shit so I'm good, and marriage and anything affiliated through that route isn't for me either so I'm in the clear. But about 99% of you out there are destined for love, marriage, and ultimate financial disaster. And no matter how much I tell you, no matter how much I preach, you will still slit your own wrists. But I digress. Back to Shell vs. Gibbs...
...Shell claims that she left her high-paying job of $81,000 in Florida to be with Gibbs in Georgia making only $30,000.
Gibbs however argued that he had already given tons of coin, including paying mortgage payments, paying off 30 GURR of her debt, and a fat rock which he didn’t get back. He claims that he broke off the engagement after learning that she had even more debt than he had previously known about. She eventually filed for bankruptcy.
So many lessons from this shit, #1 would be:
1) Long distance relationships are the worst idea ever prior to this story, and now they are REALLY the worst idea ever. If they work out, ultimately one party has to go to the source of the income and now they have the upper hand on you.
2) Never ever pay off a chick's debts. The most powerful thing you can ever tell a woman is "No".
3) Remember that the rock you give is a gift and she legally does not have to return that rock once you propose (few know this)
4) If you do go through with it, get a prenupt!
Monday, 1 December 2008
OG Blog
Roughly 4 years ago, I had fallen into a disgusting spell of weakness called love--and got rid of the now epic blog which started it all, Haas Money's Xanga. Over the last few years I have been dabbling with a very private MySpace blog, which has garnered some fame, but nothing to the levels the Xanga had reached. Amidst the current downfall of MySpace and the migration to Facebook, its left me in a pit of darkness with regards to blogging and now I'm back in the f'n saddle!!! This is the day man of you have begged and pleading for to come, however God's rarely answer prayers...well today he has answered your most sacred prayer and that is for the apotheosis of a man to blog once again!
To kick this off right, I figured I would go into the vault and find a blog from the days of yesteryear to give all of my peeps in the struggle something to chew on. A sign of things to come, if you will. This is an example of a day where I did NOTHING:
September 9, 2007: I did nothing - GREAT DAY!!!
This is going to go down as a priceless piece of blogging. Today will go down as one of the more boring days in the history of the world for me.
I did jack shit today but somehow I'll make it interesting.
So I woke up this morning intending to go to the Raiders vs. Lions game in Oakland. However, my brother-in-law called me while I was on BART telling me the satellite dish won't work (and since I didn't have a ticket, I was just going to watch his NFL Ticket in the motorhome and tailgate) and so I hopped off Embarcadero and drove home to watch from my sofa.
I sat on that sofa nonstop for 6 hours straight only getting up to shit, piss, jerk off, and heat up some food in the microwave. It was beautiful outside in San Francisco, 75 degrees with a nice breeze and light cumulus clouds, but nothing could get me out of that sofa today, for it was the start of the NFL Season and thus my highly touted fantasy team takes the field.
10 AM: First game begins and I'm listening from my car. Steve Smith goes crazy and thus my 50% ownership team is doing well. McNabb licks my balls. He's already thrown a pick and the one guy on his team worth a shit is on Brandon's fantasy team. Its like part of me is rooting for McNabb and the other part of me wants to see him tackle Brian Westbrook every play.
11 AM: Cantu is handing me my ass in the early going. Ronnie Brown still hasn't scored a point. Good thing he's the 15 overall pick. I wouldn't wanted to have wasted a high draft pick on his underachieving ass. He sucks. Bring out the cart, Ronnie Brown's career needs the stretcher.
11:30 AM: Andre Johnson with a 77 yard bomb makes me bend Cantu over a table.
1:15 PM: Through the first few games I'm up on Cantu by about 7. McNabb, Parker, and Brown combine for an eye-popping 26. Are you shitting me? 26! That's all you early round picks can muster? McNabb looks like dick, Ronnie Brown is a hack, and Willie Parker is playing bitch to Roethlisberger's 4 TD passes. Thank God for Andre Johnson.
1:16 PM: Call the future gf to see how long pasta is good for and then she tells me a fact I never knew but didn't bring up at the time. Tupperware is microwavable. That makes no sense to me. Its plastic. Doesn't that shit zap a microwave like the exorcist jumped into the fucker? Weird. Anyways, made and ate pasta.
2:22 PM: Get an odd text message from my brother-in-law telling me he got ejected from the Raiders vs. Lions game. Interesting side bar to this game, if the Raiders win, Brian (brother-in-law's co-worker) has to get a Raiders tattoo on his shoulder and wear a wife beater to work once a week for a year. If the Lions win, Ron has to remove the Raiders emblem from his Viper hood and Trailer and slap a Lions emblem on there and drive it to the Raiders games for a year. I'd take the tattoo.
5 PM: Its all but over at this point. Lamont Jordan went fucking crazy with 21 points and Roy Williams tacked 8 more on for me. My bench looks hot with Calvin Johnson getting double digit points in his rookie debut. Cantu has TO & Burress going tonight and I'm up 40 on him. The Lions win. Call Ron to see why he got ejected.
5:06 PM: Quick jerk.
5:07 PM: Clean up.
5:13 PM: Get pad thai, egg rolls, and rice from a Thai place. I realize I've never had sex with a Thai girl before and decide to seek that one day.
5: 40 PM: About 40 seconds into the game and Burress has already caught a 60 yard touchdown pass. Great!
6: 30 PM: Jason Witten, from the ashes of the roster spots, is playing the game of his little life for me. I'm mean he is laying it all out for me. He's got 70 yards and a TD reception. No one gave him a chance but I drafted him in the nine round (after my defense and kick!) and he's going nuts. Atta boy!
7:37 PM: Burress catches his second touchdown pass. Cantu is now within 28 with Fitzgerald playing tomorrow night. I'm good. TO hasn't caught a ball yet.
8:03 PM: TO just scored in the first few minutes of the second half. If you're keeping score at home, that's TO with a touchdown and Burress has two too. Awesome.
9:04 PM: TO scores another touchdown. I hate my life. He's within 14.
10:13 PM: Burress scores his third touchdown. Unfucking believable I hate my life kill me. I score 117 points and don't dominate? Lamont Jordan & Jason Witten have career days and I'm only up by 5 with Fitzgerald tomorrow night. I'm done. Fuck me!
11:23 PM: Currently blogging and talking to Elnaz about "Rock of Love" on VH1. I guess the most recent episode the skanks drink with Bret's band members and they drink way too much and start making asses out of themselves. Realize drunken dumb girls are f'n hilarious to me. They're so fuckin' funny. You can't help but just laugh. Man, I guess one of the chicks on the show was at collegefacials.com. Elnaz is always great for this sort of information. She just loves these trashy shows and reads up on the latest whatever oddity. So she just loves to tell you. I guess Brandy had cum all over her face with a dick in her mouth. Gotta find that photo!
To kick this off right, I figured I would go into the vault and find a blog from the days of yesteryear to give all of my peeps in the struggle something to chew on. A sign of things to come, if you will. This is an example of a day where I did NOTHING:
September 9, 2007: I did nothing - GREAT DAY!!!
This is going to go down as a priceless piece of blogging. Today will go down as one of the more boring days in the history of the world for me.
I did jack shit today but somehow I'll make it interesting.
So I woke up this morning intending to go to the Raiders vs. Lions game in Oakland. However, my brother-in-law called me while I was on BART telling me the satellite dish won't work (and since I didn't have a ticket, I was just going to watch his NFL Ticket in the motorhome and tailgate) and so I hopped off Embarcadero and drove home to watch from my sofa.
I sat on that sofa nonstop for 6 hours straight only getting up to shit, piss, jerk off, and heat up some food in the microwave. It was beautiful outside in San Francisco, 75 degrees with a nice breeze and light cumulus clouds, but nothing could get me out of that sofa today, for it was the start of the NFL Season and thus my highly touted fantasy team takes the field.
10 AM: First game begins and I'm listening from my car. Steve Smith goes crazy and thus my 50% ownership team is doing well. McNabb licks my balls. He's already thrown a pick and the one guy on his team worth a shit is on Brandon's fantasy team. Its like part of me is rooting for McNabb and the other part of me wants to see him tackle Brian Westbrook every play.
11 AM: Cantu is handing me my ass in the early going. Ronnie Brown still hasn't scored a point. Good thing he's the 15 overall pick. I wouldn't wanted to have wasted a high draft pick on his underachieving ass. He sucks. Bring out the cart, Ronnie Brown's career needs the stretcher.
11:30 AM: Andre Johnson with a 77 yard bomb makes me bend Cantu over a table.
1:15 PM: Through the first few games I'm up on Cantu by about 7. McNabb, Parker, and Brown combine for an eye-popping 26. Are you shitting me? 26! That's all you early round picks can muster? McNabb looks like dick, Ronnie Brown is a hack, and Willie Parker is playing bitch to Roethlisberger's 4 TD passes. Thank God for Andre Johnson.
1:16 PM: Call the future gf to see how long pasta is good for and then she tells me a fact I never knew but didn't bring up at the time. Tupperware is microwavable. That makes no sense to me. Its plastic. Doesn't that shit zap a microwave like the exorcist jumped into the fucker? Weird. Anyways, made and ate pasta.
2:22 PM: Get an odd text message from my brother-in-law telling me he got ejected from the Raiders vs. Lions game. Interesting side bar to this game, if the Raiders win, Brian (brother-in-law's co-worker) has to get a Raiders tattoo on his shoulder and wear a wife beater to work once a week for a year. If the Lions win, Ron has to remove the Raiders emblem from his Viper hood and Trailer and slap a Lions emblem on there and drive it to the Raiders games for a year. I'd take the tattoo.
5 PM: Its all but over at this point. Lamont Jordan went fucking crazy with 21 points and Roy Williams tacked 8 more on for me. My bench looks hot with Calvin Johnson getting double digit points in his rookie debut. Cantu has TO & Burress going tonight and I'm up 40 on him. The Lions win. Call Ron to see why he got ejected.
5:06 PM: Quick jerk.
5:07 PM: Clean up.
5:13 PM: Get pad thai, egg rolls, and rice from a Thai place. I realize I've never had sex with a Thai girl before and decide to seek that one day.
5: 40 PM: About 40 seconds into the game and Burress has already caught a 60 yard touchdown pass. Great!
6: 30 PM: Jason Witten, from the ashes of the roster spots, is playing the game of his little life for me. I'm mean he is laying it all out for me. He's got 70 yards and a TD reception. No one gave him a chance but I drafted him in the nine round (after my defense and kick!) and he's going nuts. Atta boy!
7:37 PM: Burress catches his second touchdown pass. Cantu is now within 28 with Fitzgerald playing tomorrow night. I'm good. TO hasn't caught a ball yet.
8:03 PM: TO just scored in the first few minutes of the second half. If you're keeping score at home, that's TO with a touchdown and Burress has two too. Awesome.
9:04 PM: TO scores another touchdown. I hate my life. He's within 14.
10:13 PM: Burress scores his third touchdown. Unfucking believable I hate my life kill me. I score 117 points and don't dominate? Lamont Jordan & Jason Witten have career days and I'm only up by 5 with Fitzgerald tomorrow night. I'm done. Fuck me!
11:23 PM: Currently blogging and talking to Elnaz about "Rock of Love" on VH1. I guess the most recent episode the skanks drink with Bret's band members and they drink way too much and start making asses out of themselves. Realize drunken dumb girls are f'n hilarious to me. They're so fuckin' funny. You can't help but just laugh. Man, I guess one of the chicks on the show was at collegefacials.com. Elnaz is always great for this sort of information. She just loves these trashy shows and reads up on the latest whatever oddity. So she just loves to tell you. I guess Brandy had cum all over her face with a dick in her mouth. Gotta find that photo!
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